Singing on Sunday

So, not much has changed. I've gotten the chance to talk to Justin. I'm not giving up. I mean I refuse to give up hope on this. I love him so much. I know Kylie's going to talk to him which is good because he listens to her. I just wish he knew how much I want him back. I wish he knew that I've spent the past 4 months thinking about all of this, about the mistake I made. I'm in love with this boy and that's not changing. Last night Kylie was telling me about all the cute things he use to do and say about me when I wasn't around. I teared up because I knew that he loved me but that made me realize how much I actually mean't. I was serious about him. I love him. Plain and simple. I know, I know that we'll be together again one day. I won't cave on this. We were so happy together. We loved each other more than anything. Today would have been 9 months.

Cowards and Courage

I am kicking myself harder than usual. Realization is always good, no matter how bad it may suck at one point in time. I knew he was coming and I knew that I didn’t want to get out of the car. I knew that once I saw him all the feelings I had would come rushing back. This was because the feelings never went away they stayed hidden in the darkest depths of my heart. We were so good for each other. I always considered you to be my missing puzzle piece. I know that at times it seemed like you did all the caring, I really loved you. I was really in love with you. I don’t know how I did and why I did what I did. I threw six months down the drain for a monster that still lingers today. I know that if I could go back I would have never let you go because you were the best thing that had ever happened to me. I know you’re happy and that’s really amazing, you deserve it. There’s so much I want to say. The car ride that last five minutes felt like it lasted five hours; it took everything I had not to cry. You were honest and blunt and I’m happy you were. I’m happy you finally spilled it all. I regret it all. I regret letting you go. You were so right for me; we complimented each other so well. I look at the pictures of us every day. I never stopped; I have for the past four months. I still think about you all the time and I still know in the back of my mind that if I hadn’t have broken up with you then we’d be together. Nine months on Sunday. Seeing you killed me inside and out; I wanted nothing more than to just hug you and cry and tell you how sorry I am and how I could fix it all if you gave me the chance. You know I’ve always been the one to say second chance relationships never work, not with you. You, god I was so serious about you. I wanted you to be my forever. We had so much planned and so many things that we wanted to do. We had so much fun together; I could tell you any and everything. You were like my best friend. You know now that I actually stop and think you were the only person who got close to breaking down every wall I built up. You’re the only person I wanted to know every little thing about me. I love you, and I always will. I never stopped. The night I started dating that monster I cried so hard. I cried so hard I broke into hives; I almost lost my best friend. I knew I had made a mistake. June, I get my new phone and she’ll be gone for good. I wish I would have never gone to that show. I wish I would have never laid eyes on her. I would do anything to have you as mine again. The day you messaged me asking me if I had gotten tested so she would know that I was clean killed me. I knew that you were going to fuck her and that devastated me. I always knew that there was something there. I believed you when you told me that you didn’t have feelings for her when we were dating, I just don’t get what changed. How fast it all happened. Everything you told me you meant, we went through a lot. We laughed a lot. I know that I left you devastated and I hate myself for that. I know that we could be something so amazing. We were so in sync with each other; you knew me so well. Six months and I just let it go. I’m dying on the inside seeing you happy makes me smile. Not having you kills me. I never stopped loving you; I didn’t talk to you because it killed/kills me on the inside. Love is something so funny but so cruel.




“Love and in love are two different things; you love someone when you break up and you’re devastated, you’re in love when you end and you can still smile and be happy for that person.”





I really thought we would have made it all the way, the decision I made to leave was the only thing I’ve ever regretted. You know that I NEVER regret anything.

More lemons, no lemonade

Truly a series of events that shape shifting. Well where do I begin? My dad's been sick again, for the first time in my life I heard him scratch that. Watched him look me in the eyes and tell me he's worried and he thinks something may be wrong. He was oh so right. He has a blood infection in his colon, not sure how he got it but I know that he's laid off on the drinking. I was supposed to be in West Virginia and it's heart breaking because if I would have been there yesterday as planned I could have held Baby Kay while she fell. She got kicked out of her own band and I know that it was heart breaking new for her to hear. She loves playing shows, and she loved those guys. I know she can start a new band and I know that she has the ability to do so. My mind is so cluttered it's like I can't even find time to think. I have so much to do in three month period. Then summer brings a little relief well up until july then it gets hectic again. Preparing to move and finding a new job. Also college, Liberal arts major. I'm drained, tonight's date night with the lady :)

-Samantha J

Faulting

Everything has been so flustered lately. I just feel so out of place, it's like everyone has this judgement about me yet I can't put in my say. I hate the way I've been feeling about myself lately. I can't even begin to explain. I'm just so fed up with everything at home. Lately I feel like I've been failing in the realtionship area. I know I'm not as strong as I used to be and I know that I can only take so much. I hate the fighting and I hate the sudden changes. I'm working on it. I'm getting a job soon and I can't wait. I'll be out of the house and plus I'll be able to save money. I just have a lot on my mind. Moving is the big one. I'm so torn, I don't want to leave my best friend and I don't want to pass up future opportunity. Then again I know that moving might be the best thing. I love Baylee more than anything and I really can't stand the distance. I want nothing more than to have her next to me every night. Plus moving means new opportunity. I'm just scared, I don't want things to fall apart between us and I don't want to move and hate it. I know as long as she stays with me I'll be fine. :)

Grammy's are on.

Illusions

I am constantly crying.
Constantly gasping for air.
Constantly dwelling.

This is suffocating me and I have no one to turn to.
Everything is at odds and I take the blame.

Again I am proven to be the one that gets hurt.

Party 'till you pass out drink 'till you're dead :)

I love Oliver Sykes. I've seen Bring me the Horizon twice and both times I was blown away by their preformance. I understand that there are certain bands that people love to hate, BMTH has to be one of those bands. I love them, they are by far my favorite band. Compared to count your blessing their second album, suicide season is a little softer. Their lyrics are by far the best yet on this album. I hate it more than anything when people go with the crowd and a certain band for no reason what so ever. They suck live, half the people that have told me this have never seen BMTH live so how the hell would you know? Their music is terrible and they sound the same as everyone else. OKAY well their music is absolutley amazing, they've changed their sound slighty and I love. Also did you take into consideration that maybe every other bands sounds like them? Regardless of anyone's opinion I will defend this band until my dying day. Their music has helped me through some tough stuff. They inspire me. Bring me the Horizon isn't like every other band out their. They're sarcastic, interactive with their fans, and very funny. Not to mention they provide encores unlike many of the bands you see today. I hope they keep doing what they're doing for many years down the road.

"We all carry these things inside that no one else can see, they hold us down like anchors they drown us out at sea, I look up to the sky they may be nothing there to see, but if I don't believe in him why would he believe in me?"
-Chelsea Smile



-Samantha J


* I'll add to this later. It's nowhere near done.

Rex

"lost and insecure you found me"

Kylie: You're an amazing best friend. I love you to death, and when we hang I'm able to just be myself. You get to see a side of me not many people know exists. We've been through a lot and I'm sure because of those challenges we can make it through anything that's thrown are way. I promise you I will be back for Warped 09. I wouldn't want to go with anyone else. Thank you for supporting me no matter the circumstance. You're one in a million baby gir :)

Baylee: It's this simple you saved me. I'm happier than I've ever been and I really owe it all to you. You are an amazing person and you don't know how much you mean to me. You're always right there even though you're not really here. I can't wait to see what the future has in store for us. Come June I'll be where I belong with you. I love you, forever and ever.

Tim: Wow wow wow, where do I even begin? We've overcome so much since you've been back. I gained my best friend back. I can say this I am happy to call you my best friend. With all that's happened we've both managed to find an extreme happiness. I wish you the best with being sober and with your love Bre. :)

Taylor: We hated each other, and we've grown so close. You're what keeps me going in school. You always have me laughing and cracking up over something. You're also the person that supports my happiness no matter who it may hurt. You've got my back and I've got yours. I'm going to miss you when I move. We need to get on the hanging out now!

Kayla: You were one of my best friends, and I loved you to pieces. It's sad how this whole thing has ended. I did anything and everything I could for you. You made me laugh harder than anyone, you also stuck up for me more than most. I understand how you feel about the whole situation and I'm sorry. You have a great girl and that's where we don't see eye to eye. I miss you like crazy and I hope one day i'll be able to call you my best friend again. I love you Kayla.

Everyone else, let's just say I've been through a lot this year with friends. I've been let down and built up. I've bent over backwards for the ones I love. I don't regret a single decision made. No matter what the one's above will always be loved.

-Samantha J.