Singing on Sunday

So, not much has changed. I've gotten the chance to talk to Justin. I'm not giving up. I mean I refuse to give up hope on this. I love him so much. I know Kylie's going to talk to him which is good because he listens to her. I just wish he knew how much I want him back. I wish he knew that I've spent the past 4 months thinking about all of this, about the mistake I made. I'm in love with this boy and that's not changing. Last night Kylie was telling me about all the cute things he use to do and say about me when I wasn't around. I teared up because I knew that he loved me but that made me realize how much I actually mean't. I was serious about him. I love him. Plain and simple. I know, I know that we'll be together again one day. I won't cave on this. We were so happy together. We loved each other more than anything. Today would have been 9 months.

Cowards and Courage

I am kicking myself harder than usual. Realization is always good, no matter how bad it may suck at one point in time. I knew he was coming and I knew that I didn’t want to get out of the car. I knew that once I saw him all the feelings I had would come rushing back. This was because the feelings never went away they stayed hidden in the darkest depths of my heart. We were so good for each other. I always considered you to be my missing puzzle piece. I know that at times it seemed like you did all the caring, I really loved you. I was really in love with you. I don’t know how I did and why I did what I did. I threw six months down the drain for a monster that still lingers today. I know that if I could go back I would have never let you go because you were the best thing that had ever happened to me. I know you’re happy and that’s really amazing, you deserve it. There’s so much I want to say. The car ride that last five minutes felt like it lasted five hours; it took everything I had not to cry. You were honest and blunt and I’m happy you were. I’m happy you finally spilled it all. I regret it all. I regret letting you go. You were so right for me; we complimented each other so well. I look at the pictures of us every day. I never stopped; I have for the past four months. I still think about you all the time and I still know in the back of my mind that if I hadn’t have broken up with you then we’d be together. Nine months on Sunday. Seeing you killed me inside and out; I wanted nothing more than to just hug you and cry and tell you how sorry I am and how I could fix it all if you gave me the chance. You know I’ve always been the one to say second chance relationships never work, not with you. You, god I was so serious about you. I wanted you to be my forever. We had so much planned and so many things that we wanted to do. We had so much fun together; I could tell you any and everything. You were like my best friend. You know now that I actually stop and think you were the only person who got close to breaking down every wall I built up. You’re the only person I wanted to know every little thing about me. I love you, and I always will. I never stopped. The night I started dating that monster I cried so hard. I cried so hard I broke into hives; I almost lost my best friend. I knew I had made a mistake. June, I get my new phone and she’ll be gone for good. I wish I would have never gone to that show. I wish I would have never laid eyes on her. I would do anything to have you as mine again. The day you messaged me asking me if I had gotten tested so she would know that I was clean killed me. I knew that you were going to fuck her and that devastated me. I always knew that there was something there. I believed you when you told me that you didn’t have feelings for her when we were dating, I just don’t get what changed. How fast it all happened. Everything you told me you meant, we went through a lot. We laughed a lot. I know that I left you devastated and I hate myself for that. I know that we could be something so amazing. We were so in sync with each other; you knew me so well. Six months and I just let it go. I’m dying on the inside seeing you happy makes me smile. Not having you kills me. I never stopped loving you; I didn’t talk to you because it killed/kills me on the inside. Love is something so funny but so cruel.




“Love and in love are two different things; you love someone when you break up and you’re devastated, you’re in love when you end and you can still smile and be happy for that person.”





I really thought we would have made it all the way, the decision I made to leave was the only thing I’ve ever regretted. You know that I NEVER regret anything.

More lemons, no lemonade

Truly a series of events that shape shifting. Well where do I begin? My dad's been sick again, for the first time in my life I heard him scratch that. Watched him look me in the eyes and tell me he's worried and he thinks something may be wrong. He was oh so right. He has a blood infection in his colon, not sure how he got it but I know that he's laid off on the drinking. I was supposed to be in West Virginia and it's heart breaking because if I would have been there yesterday as planned I could have held Baby Kay while she fell. She got kicked out of her own band and I know that it was heart breaking new for her to hear. She loves playing shows, and she loved those guys. I know she can start a new band and I know that she has the ability to do so. My mind is so cluttered it's like I can't even find time to think. I have so much to do in three month period. Then summer brings a little relief well up until july then it gets hectic again. Preparing to move and finding a new job. Also college, Liberal arts major. I'm drained, tonight's date night with the lady :)

-Samantha J

Faulting

Everything has been so flustered lately. I just feel so out of place, it's like everyone has this judgement about me yet I can't put in my say. I hate the way I've been feeling about myself lately. I can't even begin to explain. I'm just so fed up with everything at home. Lately I feel like I've been failing in the realtionship area. I know I'm not as strong as I used to be and I know that I can only take so much. I hate the fighting and I hate the sudden changes. I'm working on it. I'm getting a job soon and I can't wait. I'll be out of the house and plus I'll be able to save money. I just have a lot on my mind. Moving is the big one. I'm so torn, I don't want to leave my best friend and I don't want to pass up future opportunity. Then again I know that moving might be the best thing. I love Baylee more than anything and I really can't stand the distance. I want nothing more than to have her next to me every night. Plus moving means new opportunity. I'm just scared, I don't want things to fall apart between us and I don't want to move and hate it. I know as long as she stays with me I'll be fine. :)

Grammy's are on.

Illusions

I am constantly crying.
Constantly gasping for air.
Constantly dwelling.

This is suffocating me and I have no one to turn to.
Everything is at odds and I take the blame.

Again I am proven to be the one that gets hurt.