Wrecked

Singing on Sunday

2009-03-29T14:15:00.002-05:00

So, not much has changed. I've gotten the chance to talk to Justin. I'm not giving up. I mean I refuse to give up hope on this. I love him so much. I know Kylie's going to talk to him which is good because he listens to her. I just wish he knew how much I want him back. I wish he knew that I've spent the past 4 months thinking about all of this, about the mistake I made. I'm in love with this boy and that's not changing. Last night Kylie was telling me about all the cute things he use to do and say about me when I wasn't around. I teared up because I knew that he loved me but that made me realize how much I actually mean't. I was serious about him. I love him. Plain and simple. I know, I know that we'll be together again one day. I won't cave on this. We were so happy together. We loved each other more than anything. Today would have been 9 months.

Cowards and Courage

2009-03-23T16:26:00.000-05:00

I am kicking myself harder than usual. Realization is always good, no matter how bad it may suck at one point in time. I knew he was coming and I knew that I didn’t want to get out of the car. I knew that once I saw him all the feelings I had would come rushing back. This was because the feelings never went away they stayed hidden in the darkest depths of my heart. We were so good for each other. I always considered you to be my missing puzzle piece. I know that at times it seemed like you did all the caring, I really loved you. I was really in love with you. I don’t know how I did and why I did what I did. I threw six months down the drain for a monster that still lingers today. I know that if I could go back I would have never let you go because you were the best thing that had ever happened to me. I know you’re happy and that’s really amazing, you deserve it. There’s so much I want to say. The car ride that last five minutes felt like it lasted five hours; it took everything I had not to cry. You were honest and blunt and I’m happy you were. I’m happy you finally spilled it all. I regret it all. I regret letting you go. You were so right for me; we complimented each other so well. I look at the pictures of us every day. I never stopped; I have for the past four months. I still think about you all the time and I still know in the back of my mind that if I hadn’t have broken up with you then we’d be together. Nine months on Sunday. Seeing you killed me inside and out; I wanted nothing more than to just hug you and cry and tell you how sorry I am and how I could fix it all if you gave me the chance. You know I’ve always been the one to say second chance relationships never work, not with you. You, god I was so serious about you. I wanted you to be my forever. We had so much planned and so many things that we wanted to do. We had so much fun together; I could tell you any and everything. You were like my best friend. You know now that I actually stop and think you were the only person who got close to breaking down every wall I built up. You’re the only person I wanted to know every little thing about me. I love you, and I always will. I never stopped. The night I started dating that monster I cried so hard. I cried so hard I broke into hives; I almost lost my best friend. I knew I had made a mistake. June, I get my new phone and she’ll be gone for good. I wish I would have never gone to that show. I wish I would have never laid eyes on her. I would do anything to have you as mine again. The day you messaged me asking me if I had gotten tested so she would know that I was clean killed me. I knew that you were going to fuck her and that devastated me. I always knew that there was something there. I believed you when you told me that you didn’t have feelings for her when we were dating, I just don’t get what changed. How fast it all happened. Everything you told me you meant, we went through a lot. We laughed a lot. I know that I left you devastated and I hate myself for that. I know that we could be something so amazing. We were so in sync with each other; you knew me so well. Six months and I just let it go. I’m dying on the inside seeing you happy makes me smile. Not having you kills me. I never stopped loving you; I didn’t talk to you because it killed/kills me on the inside. Love is something so funny but so cruel.

“Love and in love are two different things; you love someone when you break up and you’re devastated, you’re in love when you end and you can still smile and be happy for that person.”

I really thought we would have made it all the way, the decision I made to leave was the only thing I’ve ever regretted. You know that I NEVER regret anything.

More lemons, no lemonade

2009-02-12T10:54:00.003-06:00

Truly a series of events that shape shifting. Well where do I begin? My dad's been sick again, for the first time in my life I heard him scratch that. Watched him look me in the eyes and tell me he's worried and he thinks something may be wrong. He was oh so right. He has a blood infection in his colon, not sure how he got it but I know that he's laid off on the drinking. I was supposed to be in West Virginia and it's heart breaking because if I would have been there yesterday as planned I could have held Baby Kay while she fell. She got kicked out of her own band and I know that it was heart breaking new for her to hear. She loves playing shows, and she loved those guys. I know she can start a new band and I know that she has the ability to do so. My mind is so cluttered it's like I can't even find time to think. I have so much to do in three month period. Then summer brings a little relief well up until july then it gets hectic again. Preparing to move and finding a new job. Also college, Liberal arts major. I'm drained, tonight's date night with the lady :)

-Samantha J

Faulting

2009-02-08T19:06:00.002-06:00

Everything has been so flustered lately. I just feel so out of place, it's like everyone has this judgement about me yet I can't put in my say. I hate the way I've been feeling about myself lately. I can't even begin to explain. I'm just so fed up with everything at home. Lately I feel like I've been failing in the realtionship area. I know I'm not as strong as I used to be and I know that I can only take so much. I hate the fighting and I hate the sudden changes. I'm working on it. I'm getting a job soon and I can't wait. I'll be out of the house and plus I'll be able to save money. I just have a lot on my mind. Moving is the big one. I'm so torn, I don't want to leave my best friend and I don't want to pass up future opportunity. Then again I know that moving might be the best thing. I love Baylee more than anything and I really can't stand the distance. I want nothing more than to have her next to me every night. Plus moving means new opportunity. I'm just scared, I don't want things to fall apart between us and I don't want to move and hate it. I know as long as she stays with me I'll be fine. :)

Grammy's are on.

Illusions

2009-01-30T21:27:00.002-06:00

I am constantly crying.
Constantly gasping for air.
Constantly dwelling.

This is suffocating me and I have no one to turn to.
Everything is at odds and I take the blame.

Again I am proven to be the one that gets hurt.

Party 'till you pass out drink 'till you're dead :)

2008-12-31T00:00:00.001-06:00

I love Oliver Sykes. I've seen Bring me the Horizon twice and both times I was blown away by their preformance. I understand that there are certain bands that people love to hate, BMTH has to be one of those bands. I love them, they are by far my favorite band. Compared to count your blessing their second album, suicide season is a little softer. Their lyrics are by far the best yet on this album. I hate it more than anything when people go with the crowd and a certain band for no reason what so ever. They suck live, half the people that have told me this have never seen BMTH live so how the hell would you know? Their music is terrible and they sound the same as everyone else. OKAY well their music is absolutley amazing, they've changed their sound slighty and I love. Also did you take into consideration that maybe every other bands sounds like them? Regardless of anyone's opinion I will defend this band until my dying day. Their music has helped me through some tough stuff. They inspire me. Bring me the Horizon isn't like every other band out their. They're sarcastic, interactive with their fans, and very funny. Not to mention they provide encores unlike many of the bands you see today. I hope they keep doing what they're doing for many years down the road.

"We all carry these things inside that no one else can see, they hold us down like anchors they drown us out at sea, I look up to the sky they may be nothing there to see, but if I don't believe in him why would he believe in me?"
-Chelsea Smile

-Samantha J

* I'll add to this later. It's nowhere near done.

Rex

2008-12-26T18:38:00.003-06:00

"lost and insecure you found me"

Kylie: You're an amazing best friend. I love you to death, and when we hang I'm able to just be myself. You get to see a side of me not many people know exists. We've been through a lot and I'm sure because of those challenges we can make it through anything that's thrown are way. I promise you I will be back for Warped 09. I wouldn't want to go with anyone else. Thank you for supporting me no matter the circumstance. You're one in a million baby gir :)

Baylee: It's this simple you saved me. I'm happier than I've ever been and I really owe it all to you. You are an amazing person and you don't know how much you mean to me. You're always right there even though you're not really here. I can't wait to see what the future has in store for us. Come June I'll be where I belong with you. I love you, forever and ever.

Tim: Wow wow wow, where do I even begin? We've overcome so much since you've been back. I gained my best friend back. I can say this I am happy to call you my best friend. With all that's happened we've both managed to find an extreme happiness. I wish you the best with being sober and with your love Bre. :)

Taylor: We hated each other, and we've grown so close. You're what keeps me going in school. You always have me laughing and cracking up over something. You're also the person that supports my happiness no matter who it may hurt. You've got my back and I've got yours. I'm going to miss you when I move. We need to get on the hanging out now!

Kayla: You were one of my best friends, and I loved you to pieces. It's sad how this whole thing has ended. I did anything and everything I could for you. You made me laugh harder than anyone, you also stuck up for me more than most. I understand how you feel about the whole situation and I'm sorry. You have a great girl and that's where we don't see eye to eye. I miss you like crazy and I hope one day i'll be able to call you my best friend again. I love you Kayla.

Everyone else, let's just say I've been through a lot this year with friends. I've been let down and built up. I've bent over backwards for the ones I love. I don't regret a single decision made. No matter what the one's above will always be loved.

-Samantha J.

Half Way Listin'

2008-12-24T14:47:00.002-06:00

I have posted a new blog in awhile. What's happened. Family life is going pretty well, both parents now accept the fact I'm with Baylee. Speaking of Baylee we've got plans set in action. I'm going to finish high school here and then make the move in June to be with the love of my life. I'm really looking forward to everything. I have a lot to look forward to. Senior prom, senior pictures, spring break, and turning the big 18. It's all happening so so fast and I can say I'm ready for it all.

CHRISTMAS TOMORROW^&%$*#~

-Samantha J.

Roll the tape

2008-12-17T16:10:00.002-06:00

The past few days have been one's of confusion and hate. I'm ready to leave Indiana, it's offical. You always meet and hear the people who say if they had the chance to pack up and go they would, I'm actually taking the opportunity. With happiness comes defeat and I've learned this the hard way. It's like i'm on the opposing team and there's no chance of bouncing back. School was cancelled today which gave me a chance to catch up on what's happened. When I finally put the pieces together I come to the conclusion that my happiness means nothing. Kyria's not coming home this Christmas which really makes me sad. I haven't seen her since June. I miss her more and more all the time. I wonder how she is, how big she's gotten and how school is. I bet she's gotten so big, she'll be 10 April 25th and I can't belive it. Tan, tall, and blue eyes, she's so beautiful. I'm waiting patiently for the time to pass, in the meanwhile I sit and listen away.

-Samantha J

Truth

2008-12-14T10:10:00.002-06:00

First let me start off by saying I always do what makes me the happiest. Within the last two weeks i've managed to lose everyone closest to me. Alot of it was my fault but I can't go back and change the outcome so I deal. I don't mope and I don't care to some circumstance. In 29 days i'll be eighteen and making my own decisions. Justin and I broke up, which was for the best because I just wasn't happy and I think he knew. With letdown comes happiness, i've met someone new and she's amazing. Yes, she. Suprise shows how many people really listen when I speak! I've gotten some shit for it but I just don't care. I refuse to end something so good because of anger. I'm happy and if no one gets that than o'well. I'm just tired of having to please so many people. It's my turn to be happy. I won't fall to the floor and be trampled by anyone just to make them smile. I'm done with pleasing everyone when in reality i'm miserable.

-Samantha J

Conflicted

2008-12-12T15:13:00.002-06:00

Today was the first day in literally years i've felt like my old self. I'm not sure why but today I just felt so good, not just emotionally but in all senses. I'm really ready for 18 to come. I know most likely, i'll end up living at home for awhile but that's fine. I have spring break plans and I hope they turn out, spring break this year is going to be a blast :) I work tonight but I don't mind I get time with my second mama. This weekened is going to be really chill. I'm feeling pajamas and cartoons all weekend. Saturday I have work and then hopefully I get to see the girls. christmas is soon; today in third hour we made snow flakes~ I was a happy camper. Then in second hour, best hour ever, we had a culinary day with teas and cookies. It went well. My grades are actually really good right now. I'm set one hundred percent on moving out of Indiana after my freshman year of college, so like March of 2010. I've been so busy lately I haven't had time for anything at all. I like the fast paced lifestyle though.

-Samantha J

Oh Ollie

2008-12-11T17:08:00.002-06:00

Need I say more? The concert was amazing and I wouldn't trade that time for anything in the world. Oliver Sykes put more passion into his songs than anyother band I've ever seen live. He was simply amazing. The pictures will never leave my mind or the folder on my computer. December 6th, 2008 was one of the best days of my life. All 17 years, no joke.

Second Plants

2008-12-10T09:13:00.005-06:00

So i'm in second hour, Botany. We have a sub so i've just been playing free tetris all hour and eating teddy grams. I think it's really funny, I admit what I said about Hanah becuase I don't care it's how I felt at the time. It's just really funny because the people who have told her the things I've said are the ones who've done the most talking. Way to cover your sorry selves. You're all sad stupid people. Just admit you talked shit, I speak truth. I was treated badly and I really could careless if you agree. I didn't deserve any of the things that were brought to me. Just for the record it was Justin you used for rides, and your grandmother only took us half way. Not to mention all the times I bought food for you. Then you sleep with an ex boyfriend of mine, and I find out you like the person I dated for almost a year. You're a piece of shit so stop posting little bulletin trying to make me feel bad. You're dead to me. In other news work this weekend!~ All the little kids that come to get their pictures taken are so cute. Plus just taking money is a really simple job. I think Saturday i'm hanging with the girls because they're going to be in town. I have a test fourth hour and I know nothing. I'm so stressed. I really just want everyone to leave me alone. Well almost time to go to third hour.

-Samantha J.

December Third

2008-12-02T20:03:00.002-06:00

Tomorrow is going to test my strength, I refuse to let it eat me alive. I'm ready to prove that everyone deserves chances. My brain is overflowing and I'm so calm, for the first time in two years there's nothing. A calm that's it.

All for now. Bring me the Horizon in four days, i'm bummed Hanah can't go. I wish we could find her a ticket.
:(

Samantha j.

What's up?

2008-11-30T19:05:00.004-06:00

AUGGIE THE DOGGIE

<------------------------------

Oliver Sykes this week! Saturday in Ohio. I'm really pumped. It's a five hour car ride. I have to help Michelle clean out her car Friday night. Kylie's making bummpin c.d.'s, Hanah's getting my ticket and I'm paying her back. Hanah got a new puppy named Auggie, he's a shitzu maltese. I love it. We spent the whole weekend playing with him. I love Hanah so much, puppy watching wouldn't be the same with anyone else. This week needs to fly by. I get to see Justin Friday for a bit. He has SAT's Saturday :( Tonight is the Britney Spears special!

-Samantha J.

Turkey Lurky

2008-11-27T12:31:00.002-06:00

Today is Thanksgiving. Seven days from now Oliver Sykes. My rough draft is due Monday in Adv. Comp.

Family, and food yeah. I'm ready to hear about how much better my aunt's family is than mine. How her daughter is just the best. My uncles are pretty funny. I've been sick so i'm ready to eat. Ready to chill. Tomorrow is black friday, Hanah and I are going to hang. Pretty happy, I hate be copued up in the house all the time. Went to Indy last weekend and had a blast. The best part of the whole weekend was Friday night. Hanah's but rubbing skills, and just being crazy to "Let it Rock", I always tend to remember those moments most. Michelle begging for fries was pretty priceless through. I need to get my tan on. Baked like a turkey :) Job, Burlington Coat Factory here I come. I want three things for christmas: To go to the Bring me the Horizon concert, a laptop, and my DropDead hoodie. Then i'm good. For my birthday i'm getting the Blackberry Storm. I want a new scarf too, AND a febreeze candle. I don't know what i'm doing for new year's, getting crunk. Chillin with the ladies and gents. I just want to have a lot of fun. I've never done anything fun for New Year's, last year I stayed home and made a new myspace. It's almost time to start getting ready. I know one thing i'm going to be looking cuter than anyone in the family today. I need to start this rough draft. Life titles: Untie the knot with porcelain teeth or Stay awake little owl. I don't know what my soundtracks are going to be yet. I'll keep you posted. ~HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

Samantha J.

Great Heights

2008-11-23T16:12:00.002-06:00

The car rides back always hold the most tension. The honest conversation and the opinions that are just meant to help. I'm sick :(

This weekend was :/ :)

-Samantha J.

Heavy hearts

2008-11-18T12:47:00.006-06:00

I love my boyfriend, he's the best thing that's ever happened to me. We've been together almost five months and I couldn't be happier. He's brought me out of my comfort zone and helped motivate me in various ways. He's honestly one of the only things that matters to me. I would do anything for him. I know that he's going to smile when he reads this. He puts up with me in my bad moods and when i'm just "grumpy". He's managed to stick by my side through some rough times. I don't know, it's love. This was short but I just felt like this was necessary. Justin I love you more than you will ever know. Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever. We're going to live in a shack get married and be in love, and I can't wait. You're my everything. Thank you for making me a better person each day.

-Samantha J.

Don't feed my violence

2008-11-17T17:36:00.000-06:00

Today started out okay. New classes new faces. I'm just so depressed. I was doing great, it'd been since mid August. I was ready to "get better" I've been up and down. No one know's what's going on and I really don't have time to tell the story over again. Let's just say sometimes I'd rather not see the things that people say behind my back. One day, I believe I will come to terms with this and I will be fine. I believe that one day I will be able to look in the mirror and see beauty. It's just I don't know who to belive in situations like these. Who do you believe the one who you trust or the one that barely knows you, but can be brutally honest. It's been six long years. Since seventh grade. I really hope that I get to go to Indianapolis this weekend. I just need to get away from all the familiar faces. Even if it's only three days. Bulimia has ruined my life, it's left a mark once again on the seventeenth of November. This means I start over. All because of the words I saw. People don't understand this kills me. People don't get you can't joke with me about food. People don't understand for the past six years I've been trying to see myself as beautiful I was at four months without throwing up anything and now I start at day one again. So I just want to say thanks for saying i'm "ridculously fat" I hope you feel better about yourself because you just did a wonderful job of tearing me down. I don't feel it worthy to say who you are. We all have problems some bigger than others, this one is my biggest. It's a monster. A horrible monster. I go to the doctor Thursday, i'm sure i'll be told everyone slips. I just want a balance. Right now, food is the enemy and I am the one fighting. Tomorrow is day one?

*Relapse is different for every indvidual I didn't write this for sympathy, I wrote this to simply calm myself down. I'm not one to want sympathy. I just really want to be alone.

-Samantha J.

Everybody's

2008-11-14T14:00:00.000-06:00

Today was the last day of first trimester. Alot of the seniors graduated in November, it's so bare. May 31st, 2009 i'll be out of high school and hopefully preparing for college in the fall at Saint-Mary-Of-The-Woods. I've wanted to be a teacher for a long while, I just never thought i'd be good at it. Then I realized that I love kids, and I am really good with them. I'm pretty bummed because there's this intership 3rd trimester to go help teach at the school of choice for whatever grade. I want to teach Kindergarten through 3rd grade, i'm going to get my degree for k-8. My heart is set on teaching Kindergarten. Justin backs me a million percent of course (: I can't wait until tomorrow. St. Mary's all day for an open house. It should be pretty fun. I need to get on scholarship essays. I take the ACT in December. Really I never though i'd be preparing for something so big. i'm really proud of myself. Tonight hanging with Hanah, I think we're going to go out to eat. I know I need to turn in my applications to Limited too, and DEB. I need to pick one up from Bath and Body Works and Jeffery Alans. I also need to finish filling out my Sunfactory application. Busy busy these days. I can't wait until next weekend, and the weekend after. I know if I put in my apps like today most likely i'll be working "black Friday". Hopefully I get my phone fixed tonight. Back to the teaching thing, I was talking to one of the sweetest girls i've probably ever met in my life, and it;s funny because she's going into teaching at Ball State in the same area. We were talking about all our little lesson plans, and how'd we have fun activities for holidays. It's pretty neat to think that in just a few years that will be reality. I have my heart set on being with Justin for life. We've had the "future" talk and it's all good. I know he wants to go into biology and adventually be a doctor. Living poor until like 28 is fine with me. I'd rather be madly in love and poor than rich and unhappy any day. We have all these big dreams. I'm not even a bit scared, worried, afraid. I'm satsified.

-Samantha J.

Friday's

2008-11-07T10:21:00.000-06:00

So i'm sitting in Sociology class and we're doing this Veteran's day project. The whole thing is kind of mind blowing. I think i'm going to ask Grandpa if he would do an interview. He's a good man with a heavy heart and solid values. Every time we'd have bring your grandparent's to school day everyone would always say "Sam your grandpa looks like Abraham Lincoln". I couldn't help but laugh. He's a little Indian man no more than 5'5'. He's been through a lot, raised by Great grandma Ruth and his dad who I really know nothing about. He reminds me of my own father. Same morals, values. Both bone breaking hard working men. They once owned a business, where they worked on cars; extremely blue collar. That's the country in me, the Nascar loving daughter and granddaughter. :) I grew up around my grandparents and at one point in my life lived with them. Even then being only 6 and 7 my all was expected. Washing the dishes spotless, and sweeping until the floors would sparkle. The values my grandfather instilled into my father were once again instilled in me. Grandpa was a Vietnam war veteran, and I know his experience was more than chilling. It's the one thing that we never really discuss, almost like a silent burden. If i could get behind his eyes and witness the things he did, I'm sure I'd be just as different as him. Vietnam lead him to alcohol- alcoholism, lead him into a world of pain, self doubt, shame. It's sad really someone who gave so much, left behind three babies, a wife and a life in the United States. Traveling only to harm people just like him. If I ever got him to open up and let me into to what happened, I know it'd be this unheard bond between. This is why I am choosing to interview him for this project. I want to know, I want to feel, I want a taste of what he went through. I know that what I get won't scratch the surface of what he's been through; what I do know is to try. He's my family, an important person. Even though the war was so long ago it's almost as he still fights it everyday. A mark place where this man once stood. A mark placed on his arm. Only to remembered as one of many who fought in the war.

Richard Buck Sr.
Vietnam Veteran.
My grandfather.
(I'll try to find some pictures)

-Samantha J.

Winter coming

2008-11-06T16:50:00.000-06:00

That would be Kyria, she's nine. I love her to death. A couple years back she moved to California. Her mom is a good woman, her dad well he tries. I've been there from the beginning. I've taken care of her since she was months old; I consider her my little sister. I miss her so much, even though she's so small she's the one that listens the most. She wipes my tears and she's always teaching me something new. She's got this energy about her and it just amazes me. I can't wait until December, she'll be back. Christamas shopping, seeing christmas lights, and making the yearly snowman. She brings out the best in me, and even though she doesn't know it shes my un sung hero. I love you Kyria, with everything that I am.

-Samantha J.

Cavanaugh Park

2008-11-06T15:05:00.000-06:00

This year has flown by so fast, it seems just yesterday I was waking to January 1st, 2008. Now it's November. So much has happened and for the recored grasping it all has been hard. The downfalls and the pick up's bring both pros and cons. I've lost friends and gained one or two. I've given up the fight and shed more tears than I could even imagine. This year has been one of great change and vast decision. i've been beaten down and taken advantage of. i've had some of the best times just simply doing nothing. I had an actual job that I liked for that matter. I've gotten the chance to have a realtionship with one of the most amazing men i've ever met. Everything is caving in and I feel like i'm just waking up. I'm taking this eternal walk to the end of no existence.

-Samantha J.